Don’t Ask Me How I’m Doing

I am at all times being ripped apart by my thoughts. They leave me inactive & anxious. Like this one. Why should I work for a business that does something that I don’t care about? Just to earn money? So survival is the only reason, the job is the hunt & the gazelle is my pay-check. So I can do what? Go to the store & buy my groceries, go back to my tiny apartment, keep the electricity on, eat the food.

Then I can go back to….absorbing more entertainment. Or I can make my own entertainment, better my mind. To what end? To one day teach my child? Can’t have a child without someone else. Maybe I should get a dog?

I’ve been feeling pretty depressed as you can see. Watching the wheel turn day after day. Hating everything I write, everything I play, joylessly creating. Adding more shit to the infinite tire fire of human creativity.

This is something I always do when I’m spiralling, rant about life’s inherent meaninglessness & feel sorry for myself for being a terrible artist.

I keep coming back to this feeling, it untangles into a paradox. It’s something like a voice from those figures in my life who’ve had to shoulder my burdens. While others around me got jobs, stable incomes, spouses, families. As construction workers, real estates, plumbers, nurses & doctors. All seen as useful, as noble, practical & stable. All my interests are seen as frivolous, lofty, emotional endeavours. Ungratefully seeking some magical immortality while the noble worker slaves away.

The builder justifying his work through claim to permanence. The solid 3-dness of his structure stands tall & the callouses on his hands stand as a testament to his validity. But eventually the building, like the man will return to chaotic matter.

The surgeon saves a man with a successful triple bypass. But in 3 years time he dies of another heart attack. The film maker & the painter claim eternity through their medium. But the film stock degrades & the painting fades.

All these things, are castles built on an ocean cliff side. Waves crashing on the base as the watch tower guard looks out into the twin blue void. Watching the universe biding her time, taking back what is hers. Ever resentful of the life that has made her self-aware to her own pointlessness.

I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could go back to the time where I was a hamster on a wheel. Mindlessly following my bliss, following dreams planted in me by the legends I idolised. I wish Cupcake Wars was enough, I wish I could consume thousands of stupid Tik Tok’s all day & be satisfied. I wish I could build a house & not see it’s future as a ghost in another child’s consciousness. I wish I could engage in the system without being aware of the blood soak dragon pulling it along.

This is for everyone who feels like this from time to time.